A lot has happened in my life that God has used to shape me. I could not list all, however, there are about a dozen or two that will never lose their sharpness. You can easily guess some of them, for example: deaths, marriage, childbirth. Others you would have to know me in order to know of them such as, different Providences regarding relationships and trials that the Lord has used to purify my soul. This recent one is very unique in many ways. As I have reflected on our current trial, I have observed that
1) God loves to provide for His me in incalculable ways,
2) If I am not careful to search for Him in trial, then I miss the tapestry He is weaving, and
3) God answers prayers and desires in seemingly difficult circumstances, sometimes completely "unconnected" when looking up close, but as you step back and look at the Weaver's work, it is more beautiful than you could could even imagine!
Many of you have inquired of what has happened in the last two weeks. Kyle and I thank you for your persistence. It makes us feel wrapped in care. Many of you have some details, and are reading this to learn more. Thank you for your patience! It has been our desire to fill you in, and also a big reason I am writing now. Some of you have had no idea what I am talking about....and still you wish me to hustle up. I promise I'll get there. Please know that the details might be endless, and I do not care to share them as much as I wish to magnify the Lord for His beautiful, unmistakable, matchless, and tender care He has so graciously bestowed on me, Kyle, and many others.
So what happened?
On April 3rd, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Yay! We were joy filled and thankful! We love our little muchies....uhem....children. We had a young couple over that night and wanted so badly to spill the news, but of course, we withheld because we hadn't even told our family yet, and were planning to wait another week or two. During our meeting and family worship, I had to excuse myself because of pains I was having. Having had two miscarriages prior, I was a little concerned, but fixed my eyes on the Truth and chose to just pray and ask the Lord to get me through. He did, but the next day was feeling poorly again.
Per Kyle's leading, we had my blood drawn to get a hormone count and compare it to a future reading to see if I was in fact miscarrying or if our sweet baby was fine. Because of Kyle's class schedule, Nana and Papa were taking care of us that evening and we were still hopeful that everything was okay.
April 5th, was the day a lot happened physically and spiritually. I woke at 5am to the same pains I had on the 3rd, but they were worse. They continued through the morning and my doctors office was preparing me for the miscarriage as the pain I was experiencing was not within normal range anymore. I had already prepared myself in part, and just entrusted it to the Lord. After two doses of heavy pain reliever, my pain continued to increase. I was getting very concerned. After informing Kyle of this, we decided it was time to head to ER.
My brother-in-law/paramedic extraordinaire escorted me there while Kyle made his way. Appendicitis was a possibility as well as kidney stones, but on that ride, the pain shifted to my right side. Ectopic was on my mind. But pain defeated any deep thoughts I had. After getting some amazing drug that took my pain away (Praise the Lord!), I was headed to ultrasound. By the middle of the ultrasound, Kyle had arrived and he had no smile on his face. If you know Kyle, that is not common. Instead, I saw him immediately plead to the Lord to help his wife. Although he often prays with and for me, I had never seen his face in a state of helplessness. He was entrusting the his concern to the Lord. It was that moment that I resolved to trust the Lord with every detail of the day and my future state. We were given a peace by the Lord that I was familiar with....the one you can't explain. I had a prompting that I was going to need surgery no matter what the outcome and asked the Lord to save me from death. Also, a first.
After returning to ER, the wonderful doctor confirmed that I was, in fact, having another ectopic pregnancy, but unlike the prior, this baby(plus clotting) had managed to rupture my tube and had grown in size to fill my 1cm fallopian tube to an unbelievable 8 cm. Internal bleeding, multiple clots in my tube....surgery was happening now. I was very placid and calm, as was Kyle. Another testimony to the grace of our Lord. Details were explained, papers were signed...OR it was. They took my right tube out as it was not salvageable. (A salpingectomy for all you nerds like me.)
The Lord in His graciousness took care of me in so many countless ways I cannot even begin to tell you. Everything was smooth, clauses in paperwork were not needed, family was doing everything to care and pray for us. That is what happened, but it was just the beginning...
Back to my numerical list from above and my favorite part of this update:
1)The Lord has held us in His hand in such a way that the storm has not seemed as great as the depth of the explanation might paint it to look. The Lord has taught us so clearly of the hope of heaven, that our doctrine has assuaged much of our fear and grief. And a newer realization has been brewing in my heart in the last few months. It has reminded me that as I seek to add more Kingdom children, I have done so by ushering another sweet soul to His care. What a privilege!!
Our family and friends have been so AMAZING in providing babysitting in our home, meals, prayers, notes, etc ...we have had no time to be anything but thankful!! Truly, this has been a blessed experience and I pray for more times in which I can rely more fully on Him!
2) Knowing and TRUSTING that He is working ALL things for my good has to change the way I think. It has. What else is there to do than to trust my God with my life in which He has made and sustains and has numbered. I am saddened to the depths of my soul for those who do not have God as their Savior. What else is there to do?! I have a refreshed view of my "neighbors" and how I so desire to share the depth of the riches of His glory. O, how I long to see men and women and children living for the only God for whom this world was made for!
3)When reflecting on this last thought (while not mentioning all of them), the Lord brought to mind my grandmother, Ida Franzen. One of the most beautiful women I have and will ever know. At her funeral, dozens of people mentioned of her most lovely and godly attributes, her gratitude. Gratitude to people and to God. I remember distinctly thinking and praying that God would make me that woman. "Lord, make me known as a thankful woman, and may I always thank you."
I thank God for that impression. As I stepped back to look at the tapestry he has been weaving these past weeks, He allowed me to see that He has, and is, answering my prayer. I have had very little time to even gaze upon my feelings, and I am thankful for that. Reflection is for looking back at something, and the discipline of "being" in something looks different. He made me a thankful woman by sending so many people, instantly and constantly, to physically care for me and my family, pray for me, make meals for us, send cards, flowers, call to check and see how we were doing, etc.
I have never been so thankful in all my life. Never. I am so THANKFUL for this trial and to be a mere piece of clay of my Potter's. Without it, I would not have an answered prayer. God is GOOD. He is KIND. He is in CONTROL. He has my heart. He is WORTHY of all our praise. Praise God, all creatures of our God and King! PRAISE HIM!